what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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