I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
