Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
