What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
