you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
