he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
40s are totally the cure
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
