Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
