woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
