You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
