I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
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If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
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You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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