My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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