I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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