I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
