when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
ok first of all what the fuck
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
