I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
