is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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