why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
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Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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