I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Someone came in the potted fern
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
