he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
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I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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