wanna go halves on a baby?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
