the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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