my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
