so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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