Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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