A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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