WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Randomize
