Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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