Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I just cut my nipple shaving
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
