smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I'm at about main and main street
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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