i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
