Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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