doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
