Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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