While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Randomize
