Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
