If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
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I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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