Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My brain says no but my pants say off.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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