i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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