my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
