so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
