Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
