she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
