Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
