batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
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You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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