I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
then he tried to convert me to islam
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
