Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
