Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You're a waste of cheezeits
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
