one two three fourrrrnication!
someone get that fucking seahorse.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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