I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Just puked most of my soul out..
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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