My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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