he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
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Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
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I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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