Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
