just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
