some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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