A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
