This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
