god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
