fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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